Surely at one time or another everyone has witnessed a group of bourgeois canines playing anthropomorphic poker on one or the other of Cassius Coolidge's series of paintings. But the man's whimsical imagination wasn't quite as far removed from reality as one might like to think. Perhaps you believe that chips and chimps do not go well together and that it sounds like something out of a Douglas Adams book, but if you ever played online against someone who had a great-ape photo for his icon, don't be so sure it was just the excellent players irritating sense of online humor - you just may have lost a few thousand or more to an actual primate. If you thought using a stick to crack a walnut or a skull was the best an ape could do, in this early twenty-first century, when the world is on the verge of a Technological Singularity (think what an "intelligence explosion" can do to PC and online games), you, man or woman, had better think again.
Primate Programming Inc. has confirmed that the great apes (who share 97% of their DNA with us) make superbly efficient IT practitioners. The individuals (yes, apes) working for PPI are trained to offer their services to PPI clients. These employees were later discovered to be capable of learning to play online poker in their leisure time, displaying a particular penchant for no-limit Texas Hold'em.
No-limit poker appeals to these employees because of their natural bent for playful (and sometimes serious) displays of aggression. PPI tells us that is this quality that makes them outstanding bluffers. Aggressive bluffing in no-limit games allows the player to bet it all at any time. This rule of the game requires edgy, aggressive behavior and the rather rare skill to bluff.
Since there is no way to identify the poker players online due to its anonymous nature, no one knows if their opponents are human or something other than human. That player who started off betting small and showing his lame cards to all, the one who much later bet large, had everyone call, then gleefully showed aces was probably one of the non-humans. The players had no idea he then jumped up and down, pounded his chest and demanded a banana.
The primate-players' initial employment as computer programmers is not coincidental. It seems, according to PPI, that they independently develop programs which aide them during games. The nature of these programs has not yet been revealed. One thing is sure: "DrDestructo" and "ThePikerMan" could have a full-time professional (online) poker career, if only they wanted to. Outside the laboratory/office, they may neglect their training and prefer the old game of hurtling themselves at the bars of zoo cages and then grin their monkey grin at the startled adults and children. Still, as long as they are paid and fed regular, with bonuses, and are allowed to mate, David Sklansky and Ed Miller may need to update their No-limit Hold'em books in the nearest future.
There is ongoing investment of money and effort taking place in the research of these programmer apes. Norm McAuliffe, a Yale biology Phd and the scientist leading the discovery research team at Primate Poker Inc is now hiring profitable primate-players to play for cash in rotation shifts 24/7. Mr. McAulliffe is very much committed to his business model and plans to continue his work.
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